Boundary Myths Debunked!

Expecting other people to be responsible for respecting our boundaries is like jumping into the middle of a lake and expecting someone else to swim for us. There is a lot of misinformation out there about what it means to have healthy boundaries, and today we are going to debunk some of these common misconceptions so that you can use this very effective and powerful tool for self-growth in a way that truly will improve your life. I’m going to reveal 1 of the top 3 myths about boundaries in this post, and I highly recommend you watch the full episode to learn more about all three!

Why are boundaries so important for our self-growth?

Well, oftentimes as children, or maybe later in adulthood—we find ourselves in relationships where we feel we have no choice but to accept unacceptable behavior. If these kinds of relationships surround us when we are children, then we don’t really know any better, and we grow up thinking that the unacceptable behavior is just normal. Then, as we grow into adulthood—because we’ve grown familiar with being treated with disrespect or disregard, we find ourselves gravitating towards friends and partners who also treat us that way. This is a very common source for why people find themselves in a pattern of unhealthy and painful relationships.

But it doesn’t necessarily have to begin in childhood! Even as adults we can still fall in love with people who don’t treat us right, or we can find ourselves in jobs with employers who are disrespectful and dysfunctional, or even our co-workers can become a source for creating unhealthy relationship dynamics in our lives. So how do we get these people to stop treating us in an unacceptable way? How do we make other people treat us the way we want to be treated?

Well, the answer is: You can’t. You have no control over other people’s behavior. How they act is always up to them. So what good are boundaries if you can’t make other people respect them?

A-ha! See, now we are starting to get real. Because so many people today talk about boundaries this and boundaries that, but there’s actually A LOT of misinformation out there about what having boundaries really means. People have been using boundaries all wrong. People think they set their boundaries, and then they go around announcing them to other people, and if someone crosses them—then…what? You yell at them? You say, “You can’t treat me like this! You’re crossing my boundaries, so stop it!” People who approach boundaries in this way usually wind up wondering why boundaries don’t work.

But boundaries do work. They are well-documented as being tremendously effective, and truly life-changing—When you know how to do it right! So let’s debunk some common misconceptions about how to set boundaries, so you can use them to your utmost advantage.

Here’s One Common Misconception About Setting Boundaries: They are something you demand of others to uphold.

Here’s the Truth: Only you can uphold your own boundaries, so it’s important to choose boundaries that are within your control.

Your boundaries are for your own self-growth, they are not there as a device for controlling other people’s behavior.

So let’s say you have someone you live with who is yelling at you, and you have a boundary about not tolerating disrespectful behavior.

Here’s the inappropriate way to uphold your boundary: By shouting at them, “Now you’re crossing my boundaries, and you are NOT allowed to talk to me that way!”

Here’s the right way to uphold your boundary: You calmly say, “I want to understand you, and we can have a conversation, but if you continue to shout at me I’m going to have to pause this conversation.”

And then if they continue to disrespect you, the ball is in your court. What are you going to do? Repeat your boundary over and over until they listen? Nope. You say it once, and then only you can uphold it, and give it power By keeping your word to yourself.

Having boundaries means you get in your own corner. You have your own back. You will be your own best soul mate. You said if they were going to continue to yell, you would have to pause the conversation, and only you get to decide if that is a boundary, or if it’s just some idle threat you don’t intend to carry out.

And look, it’s hard at first. When we stop pleasing people, people stop being pleased. But if they are really your ally, and someone who loves you, they get over it. They cool down, and the next time they get to yelling again, and you tell them you’re going to pause the conversation if they don’t stop—they know you mean it. And THAT’S how a boundary starts to change the way people treat you.

And it’s also the way you stop allowing your sweet self to spend time with people who are frequently mistreating you.

I do feel like I need to mention that if you are in a violent situation, please—wrap your loving arms around yourself like a precious package, and just remove yourself from that situation. Tell someone. Go somewhere safe now, and figure the rest out later. Violence is never okay, and that includes emotional violence as well as physical.

Thank you so much for joining me today! It was such a privilege to have this conversation with you. Remember, one of the best ways to attract the love you deserve is by giving it to yourself first, so be sure to watch the full episode for more in-depth information about how to set boundaries. You can be your own best soulmate, and when you love yourself, you are with Spirit. Because love is spirit, and spirit is love.  Namaste