Don't Get Sucked Into Their Drama

So often when we’re dating, at any age really, when we are not our own best soulmate we tend to put up with too much. And what I mean by that is we make allowances for people’s ways of treating us even if they compromise our standards. Even if making this allowance is directly breaking a promise we may have made to ourselves. Like I’ll never do XYZ again. Today we’re going to talk about How To Be Your Own Best Soulmate when dating. I’m going to share my experience with you right now, but for further detail and guidance don’t miss out on watching the full episode. 

We’ve all broken a promise to ourselves while dating. I remember one time when I was younger, I just couldn’t believe this guy, he kept lying. And I addressed him about it. He said, “Oh, I’ll never do it again.” And the next sentence out of his mouth was a lie. This was a red flag I ignored for too long as a young woman—which really was my soul’s training ground on how to set that boundary within myself. How to promise never to do that XYZ again.

But it’s really funny. I was divorced, and I’m in my 40s. And back on the dating scene after a long time out of the scene. Sometimes that’s a great space for Spirit to give you a much-needed lesson to help you grow.

Here was mine: We met on a plane and kept up our conversation for a long time. And then we decided to try dating. It started off fine but then he started to talk about how he doesn’t put up with this or that. He doesn’t like when anybody curses, he doesn’t like how I say this or that, seemingly smallish things, but when I looked at them as a whole I began to see they were all about control. And then my awareness grew, I started to see him setting up scenarios where I would disappoint—which was perfect for him because then he could create conflict and friction and a sense of control. And I really had to stop and think about— what are the signs of a toxic relationship brewing? Do I really want that drama in my life? Do I really want somebody creating scenarios that puts them into a position of control? Someone who strives to be seated in judgment of my worth, my performance as a person, all according to his preferences, and what soon became like “rules” for being with him. And where does that leave my family and me? How will continuing in this toxic relationship affect my relationship with myself long term – because my relationship with myself is the longest term relationship we have in this life. It is so, so precious.  If I allow myself to keep getting embroiled in these setups am I just continuing to break my spirit? I began to think about the effect this disconnect from being my own best soulmate, just so I could be his girlfriend, would have on my kids, my future. I have not raised my kids to put themselves in a position where anyone other than themselves is defining their worth in the world.  

So I decided, you know what, I’m not going to invite it in. And I got on the phone and said I’m done. I’m not going to have somebody creating chaos in my life. I’m not going to have somebody who has to create scenarios to be in control. I’m not going to worry about disappointing him if I want to be able to say ‘shit’ or something like that. I want to feel comfortable saying it. And I also don’t always want somebody telling me what to do, to say, how to be…

It’s really interesting how we are taught to put ourselves last, especially as women but anyone in a toxic relationship will be taught to put themselves last.

So here’s my question, how many of us are really needing someone else?

If you feel you really need someone else to be happy in this lifetime, I ask you to step back, center yourself in the fact that you are the only one you go to bed with every night and you are the only one you wake up with every day for your entire life, and invest more into being happy as you really are not as you needing someone else to be happy. Because when you’re not, you’re going to end up with a lot of drama and conflict and well a lot of the same lesson being repeated over and over again.

Now, I’ll finish that story. Did that end the relationship? Because I stood up and I said, “No, we’re not going to do any of this.” Actually, it didn’t. I set up a boundary for the way I want to be in this world and when you can set your standards for your partner you can really find out if you are in a nourishing relationship, or a depleting one. Isn’t that a lot better than somebody coming into your life and saying, “this is the way you have to be?” And you weaken your healthy relationship as your own best soul mate by compromising your happiness. All just to give someone else a sense of control in a toxic relationship.  

So this is the thing, folks. When your focus is to be your own best Soulmate, you are centered and you can face these relationship challenges— romantic, professional, familiar, social, or otherwise, from a place of confidence and self-love not from a place of neediness. You get to take that space inside yourself that houses all that swirling neediness, insecurities, and doubts and redecorate that space with being comfortable with yourself, with loving yourself, with treating yourself well. You have to know that you yourself, you are so strong and able to build a life that your very best Soulmate would want for you. And then what does that do when you are ready to look for someone? It’s not because you need them. It’s not because they’re filling some hole or void inside of you. It’s because you want to share a life you love with someone who loves it too. And you can celebrate life instead of always trying to fight the control that’s being put upon you. And that is what this life is for, to learn kindness, love, acceptance, compassion, and that all starts with having kindness, love, acceptance, and compassion for yourself.  Namaste